Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I want to fling myself into the sun
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
