one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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