At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
