At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
