he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Randomize
