Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
