all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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