ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
