I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
