there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
