tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
