u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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