I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
