Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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