2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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