True but thats because hes a fetus.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
