What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
