finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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