Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
