she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
