my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
