By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
