Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
