there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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