I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We need a shit load of segways right now
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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