thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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