Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
