The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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