if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
