gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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