I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
