I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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