mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
