My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
