my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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