my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
