Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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