at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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