I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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