he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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