I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
