My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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