I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
