I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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