Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'd cum for enchiladas.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
