his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
