mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Drunk is a universal language darling
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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