i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
