the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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