You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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