Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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