Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We are two peas in an std pod
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
