We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
its liver damage thursday
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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