I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
