just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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