Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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