Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
