how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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