I wish I could teleport
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
