This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
