so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
